Sunday, March 11, 2012

"Do you like this?" The Whole Foods battle cry

"Do you like this?" she said while holding up the Briyani seasoning. I looked at her, the typical Whole Foods check out cashier. Nose stud, check. Dye streaked hair, check. Birkenstocks, check. Tattoo, check. As I began my detailed description of the merits of a good Briyani marinade, I noticed that she continued bagging my groceries with nary an attention to anything I was saying. I was taken aback for a second trying to reconcile why a she wasn't listening to a word I was saying when she was the one asking me if I liked it.

Then it struck me.

I've had the same conversation with many other check-out artists, as I like to call them, many times in the past. Until today, I never realized that those conversations were hatched in some conference room at the Whole Foods headquarters. The cashiers are trained to engage the customer in friendly banter, and one of the tactics they learn is to use a strange or unusual product at check-out to engage the customer in a conversation. And suddenly I realized why they were so interested in my Korma seasoning, soy yogurt, and vegetable chips. It was part and parcel of the Whole Foods experience.

I smiled as she handed my bag of groceries to me, not saying anything about the conversation that had been abandoned mid-sentence. I knew her mind was already on the next customer.

I pretended to look for my keys as I eavesdropped on her conversation with the next customer.

"Did you find everything okay sir?"

"Yes, thank you."

"Do you like this?"

I looked up and saw her holding a bottle of Queso, waving it at the customer.

Seriously? Queso? She should have waited for that bottle of Agave nectar. It would have certainly been more believable.

Monday, May 2, 2011

5 Things to Think About BEFORE Posting About Osama Bin Ladin

There is nothing like a major assassination to bring out some really woeful comments on Facebook. Some of them are bringing out the cranky in me. So, instead of admonishing some of you out there, I am instead, going to shower you with some unsolicited advice. Namely, 5 things you should think about BEFORE posting about the Bin Ladin assassination.

1. Obama is the Commander in Chief of the military of the USA.

Unfortunately, this may come as a surprise for many of you, but yes Obama is the Commander in Chief of the military. So, when you make a statement like “I give credit to the military not Obama”, you are making yourself look ignorant. There are many people who deserve credit for the success of this operation. Obama made the call to attack, even when there was no 100 percent certainty that Bin Ladin was in the compound. It was a judgment call, and he was right. So give credit where credit is due. Similarly, credit should be given to both Bill Clinton and Dubya too, but let’s be clear, this was Obama’s call.

2. Success is shared between many groups.

There were many groups responsible for this success including the CIA, Navy Seals, NSA, and others. I don’t mind if you say hey congrats to the Navy Seals for the success of the operation. They deserve it. However, if you say only the military deserves congrats but not others including the White House, you are being idiotic. It's like saying that the success of a company is only because of one department. Everyone had a part in it. I understand it is easy to love the seals. They are such wonderful creatures. I saw them the other day on the Discovery Channel and they looked impressive.

3. Osama is dead.

Ok, here is where some of you lose me. Saying Osama Bin Ladin is not dead is not showing your ignorance, it is showing your insanity. Which President in his right mind is going to announce the death of Bin Ladin only for him to show up on another video a couple of months later? That is political suicide. He is dead.

4. Don’t re-post stupid shit.

Case in point.

Seriously, no one is saying that Obama alone killed Bin Ladin. If someone said this then post this on the spot where it says COMMENT. Don’t re-post random crap like this on the news feed. It is like saying “A bald midget did NOT kill Osama Bin Ladin. An American soldier did...blah blah blah” See how stupid that sounds?

5. Think before really think.

Here is an example of a witty post and a silly one.

Well, maybe I can sleep now that I got all that crankiness out of my system.

Nighty night.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Christmas Story: How my nephew blocked me from scoring digits

First of all, Merry Christmas to all. Every time this time of the year rolls around, I do a couple of things. First I rid myself of people and habits that are detrimental to my journey to the next level. Second, I reminisce about all the exciting events that have taken place in my life this past year and be thankful. This year, when I was reminiscing, I actually remembered an event that happened a couple of years ago when I went to visit my family in Toronto. I will share this event with you as there is a very important lesson to be learned at the end of the story.

A couple of years ago, I was in Toronto visiting family, when I borrowed my sister's car to go chill at Starbucks (I know...shocking). So, I drove the car over to Starbucks and decided to sit at a table and read. After about 30 minutes, I noticed an attractive woman sitting at the next table. I made a comment to her about her reading material, and she replied that she worked for a lab that conducted research for Alzheimer's. We talked a little about her research, and I was playing everything by the book. After chatting for about an hour, we decided that it was time to leave, so I had to quickly device a way to contact her again. We walked to my car and continued to chat, and I was about to ask her for her contact information, when all of a sudden, she glanced over my shoulder toward the direction of the back seat of my car. I noticed her expression change and she quickly bid goodbye and left. I was a little surprised as I was feeling a connection. I turned around to see what she looked at before she hastily disappeared. Then I saw it affixed to the back seat of the car.


My 3 year old nephew just totally blocked me without even being there. :)

MORAL OF THE STORY: If you are trying to get your game on, make sure your nephew's car seat is removed first.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Total Eclipse of the Moon (December 21st 2010)

I must have been bored! Here is a video of the eclipse, and please forgive the shaky camera work. Unfortunately, wind and tripods don't mix. I managed to get a couple of pics that show the red glow which is common during a lunar eclipse. Enjoy.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Dear Sprint

Dear Sprint,

I am sorry to have to tell you on the internet, but I am going to have to let you go. We have had 10 years of bliss and don't get me wrong, I really loved you, even though you jacked me last month for $200 because you said that I used too much of your time. I know you are going to be pissed when you find out who I have decided to start a new relationship with.

It is with your younger sister Boost Mobile.

I know, I know you are really mad, but hey, at least I kept it within the family. I am sorry but I couldn't resist her lure. She said she would give me the world for $50. You wanted $90 plus tax. Really? Tax? She said that I could have unlimited time with her, you said you could only give me 900 of your daytime minutes. And here's the kicker: You are always asking me for a commitment, but she said that I could leave her at any time. How could a guy resist that offer? I made up my mind the moment she exposed her Blackberry. I was hooked.

I will always keep your memories with me. Even though I remember how you let all my buddies use you that one night in Vegas, when I was passed out. Yes, I saw the pictures. It's ok, I have long forgiven you because you were the only one who let me in without limits at 7pm, while all the rest of them didn't give their men unlimited access until 9pm.

I do apologize for the ex-girlfriend who pulled a Naomi Campbell on you. She was crazy I admit, but I am glad that you had good insurance. Those guys at the Sprint store had you up and running in no time. Ah...memories.

Maybe someday we may cross paths, and who knows, I may look at you and say, "hot damn!" And we may even get back together. But until then, I wish you all the best in the world.

By the way, I've changed my locks and my phone number.



Sunday, October 31, 2010

Money Making Idea (kinda)

Sometimes, you just stumble on a money making idea. This is a conversation I had with Holly (HJJ) today.

Me: Will you help me? I need to decide if I am going to get the Sony LCD with Google TV or the BluRay player with Google TV. Well, the TV costs $1400 and the Bluray player costs $400. So, I could get the Bluray player for $400 and get the Samsung LCD TV for $1000 instead of the Sony TV for the entire $1400. Right?

HJJ: You have a laptop in your living room, your desktop in your home office and you just bought a Cruz eReader with Android so you can browse on the couch. Do you need Google TV?

Me: Not really :(

HJJ: How much did I just save you?

Me: $400

HJJ: 20% is $80, I'll take a check.

Me: ???

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Eat, Play, Lust – What Women Need to Know About Men (Part 2)

Before you read this, you may want to read Part I.

Today's topic is Play.

Play is of extreme importance to men. Without play, men turn dull and sour. Case in point, look at this dude.

See what happens when guys don't have play time?

But you know what? The thing is when women want to have some "girlfriend" time, men are actually elated. "Go ahead honey, go shopping with your girlfriends and have a good time." See, when guys say have a good time, they mean it. Men want you to have a good time. Go to a bar with your girlfriends, get wasted. No problem, men will hold your hair up while you puke. No problem at all. Men are happy to oblige.

Sadly, it never works in reverse. If you're a guy and tell your guy friends that your girlfriend or wife is cool with you hanging out late with your friends, you're either clueless or a stinking liar. No straight woman will tell you that it is okay to go out with your friends every weekend. No way, are you kidding me?

I have seen many of my single guy friends fall into this trap. Once they called you to go watch the England-Germany World Cup match at the sports bar, and now they are calling to ask what they should buy at the Tupperware party they are going to, with their woman.

Women, they are pretty darn brilliant when it comes to dislodging a man from his natural environment. First, it's, "Sure, go ahead and have fun with the boys." Then it becomes "You promised to go to my parents'." Every man knows that not agreeing means, a cold war. And guys try to avoid drama like the plague, so they oblige.

Slowly, the testicles' extraction becomes complete. These men will never be seen in a male environment again...ever! So, as my single guy friends dwindle, I implore you women of the world. Make your man happy; allow him to play. No, in fact, I beg you. Please, please let your man out. Football season is starting. Please!

Watch out for the final part (Part III, Lust) coming soon.